By Aidan Driscoll
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK — A famed New York City flasher and public mastrubator has inspired perverts and abusers everywhere by pivoting into a comedy career under the stage name ‘Louis CK.’ “I thought my chances of being a wealthy entertainer were nonexistent” says one registered metro-area sex offender. “But Louis showed me I don’t have to choose; I can harass my female subordinates and make millions.”
Previously known for traumatizing women, CK’s fans claim that his sets have given a voice to the voiceless. “It’s really nice to see our underprivileged community have authentic representation in the entertainment world,” says a local business owner, best known for squeezing the behinds of unsuspecting coworkers and harassing Brie Larson on Twitter. “As a white man, it’s been so hard to nonconsensually jerk off in front of women recently! Until Louis,” he said through tears and a vice grip on his crotch.
But CK’s rise has also seen its critics. “It’s all identity politics!” says one local curmudgeon. “The media’s all on this snowflake cus he cries about gettin’ oppressed! ‘Oh no, I got accused of sexual harrasment!’ Men didn’t used to be this sensitive! Why doesn’t he quit whining and pull himself up by the bootstraps like the rest of us?”
You can find Louis CK haunting an uncle’s television set or Grammy Awards stage near you.