32 Day Bender Not Really a Bender Anymore
By Alexandra Ornes
LOS ANGELES, CA — After waking up on a Thursday afternoon, having slept through his 8am, 12pm, and 4pm classes, USC sophomore and Phi Kappa Alpha pledge Alex Norse realized that his 32 day bender might not be a bender anymore.
“You just get sucked into that part of life man,” said Norse while opening the fridge of his dorm room, soon realizing he had been ‘iced.’ That being said, his eventual drunk confession revealed that he put it there himself. “Between rush events and the stress of being a student in college, you just go day after day after day, and soon that one day is 32 days and you’ve somehow adopted the nickname Norse God around campus even though you can’t remember ever being called that in your life… crazy shit man.”
“I haven’t heard from Alex in a month,” said his mother, Ann Norse, who was prescribed Prozac earlier in the week to deal with the separation anxiety. “He’s left me several voice messages at 3am, but they are primarily gibberish. He called me an OJ once, and I think he meant OG, which I had to look up to learn that meant Original Gangster. Or he thought I was the infamous OJ from the 90s. It’s been causing me so much anxiety I’ve gone from drinking only three glasses of wine a day to seven. Not because I’m an alcoholic though, just because I have a son in college who might be becoming an alcoholic.”
“Bro my mom? She’s a G bro,” said Norse while sipping on his daily ceremonial 4pm Buddy Light. “She hasn’t checked on me once in college, like hasn’t called or anything. Oh yeah, I also blocked her accidentally, then realized, then didn’t care. But for real she’s the best like, love her more than anyone.” He then proceeded to shotgun another beer.
Will this lost month and the realization that his bender isn’t a bender anymore discourage Norse from drinking as often? Probably not, but the good news is, that will be his kids problem, rather than his collegiate peers.