USC Crisis Line Hold Music So Bad It Makes Me Want To Kill Myself
By Lexa Ornes
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a heartwarming turn of events, freshman Felix Kurtzman decided not to jump off the top of the PED building after coming to the conclusion that if her mental health didn’t make her want to end it all, the hold music for the USC Crisis Line would.
“It was so bad.” said Felix Kurtzman in a phone interview during her one hour of allotted phone time in the psychiatric ward. “Like, it made me think they chose that music just to distract people from wanting to kill themselves, and just ponder why they would choose such bad music. Genuinely, a huge reason I didn’t jump was because I couldn’t let that music be the last thing I ever heard.”
“We choose an eclectic mix of tunage that culminates into what is ubiquitously known as Christian Jazz,” said Sarah Van Orman, the head of USC Health. “Studies show it has calming effects on people under distress. It makes them think of God and how committing suicide is technically a sin, and then they start thinking about the afterlife and then they’re too scared to actually do it! It was a process developed through a partnership between the Thornton School of Music, the Keck School of Medicine, and my pastor Frank.”
“Honestly, can’t say it’s a bad strategy,” said Kurtzman. in an in-person interview after her release from the aforementioned hospital. “When the music started playing it had some weird reverse psychology effect that made me really cherish the moments in which I wasn’t listening to it. I haven’t called the USC Crisis line since!”
USC has no plans on changing the Crisis Line music, and hopes to give Crisis Line callers options of hold music in the coming months, ranging from Christian Jazz, your cousin’s soundcloud rap songs, and Logic’s “1-800-273-8255”.