Head & Shoulders to Release New 3-in-1: Shampoo, Conditioner, Antidepressant

By Rachel Michelman

CINCINNATI, OH — At Head & Shoulders headquarters, Chief Head and Director (CHAD) Pete Davids and ambassador Kim Kardashian had announced that the anti-dandruff shampoo company would be releasing a new product in the 3-in-1 line: a shampoo, conditioner, and antidepressant.

“Everyone respects the person who has one towel and only a bottle 3-in-1: shampoo, conditioner, and body wash in their shower, so we decided to swap out that body wash with an antidepressant to up our customers’ happiness,” said CHAD Davids. “Just a simple scrub and you’re already boosting your serotonins!”

Head & Shoulders new product ads claim that the body wash element of the product “was deemed useless after adding a couple selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), some mirtazapine, and bupropion.” The new ingredients are set to contain “water, zinc carbonate, a bunch of other long sciency names, and the ground up antidepressants of our chemists.” 

According to leading chemist Anthony Valour, “We just mixed the same shampoo-conditioner recipe with a few of my Zoloft, a spoonful of Christine and Paul’s Prozac and Lexapro, and a dash or two of Mandy from accounting’s Remeron and boom… It’s a medically clean miracle!”

Kardashian ended the “Head & Shoulders & Social Boulders” press conference with an impassioned tagline: “I don’t use this shit! Use KIM for 20% at checkout.”