Skateboarder Eats Shit, Contracts E Coli

By Jackson Irvine

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Yesterday evening medical professionals were called to the home of 22-year-old, self-described home boy Rafe Henley after the avid skateboarder reportedly ate shit and began showing symptoms of E. Coli. 

According to witnesses, Henley was dared by “the homie” to do a skate trick into a pile of feces he left near the local Arby’s. During the trick, however, Henley lost his footing and crashed into the feces mouth first. The medical professionals spoke with “the homie” about the incident, who said, “yeah I just, like, couldn’t make it to the bathroom so I popped a fat one out on the concrete. It was hella gnarly, all liquidy and red. Rafe ate all of it, what a champ!”

Friends often describe Henley as ‘sick asf’ and ‘nasty wit it,’ although they likely didn’t realize just how sick and nasty. Symptoms of E. Coli began just after the incident, which is apparently something that happens when you eat your friend’s diseased diarrhea off the concrete. A fever and stomach pains persisted through the week, although his lack of brain cells and impulse control are unfortunately not symptoms of E Coli. With symptoms worsening daily, it took Henley about 3 days to remember the number for 911 before he dialed it incorrectly seven times.

After speaking with nurses at Cedars Sinai Medical Center, it seems that Henley will likely be okay. His only statement regarding his contraction of and recovery from the disease was, “Did I make it onto Thrasher? Dude, please tell me I made it onto Thrasher. That’s gonna be, like, my big break as a skater.” 

Sources say that while he did not make it into Thrasher, he did recently join the popular BDSM website SSS (Safe Scat Society), where he plans on becoming an icon for shit-sipping skaters everywhere.