by Jori Barash
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – After nearly one hour locked in the bathroom of his home in Minneapolis, USC freshman Chris Richards was still not satisfied with his humblebrag. At the first 20-minute mark, he had ruled out at least one option.
“I know it’s probably the wrong crowd to talk about the anti-Trump protests, but they were, like, really intense,” Richards thought out loud. “Did they already see those photos with Wendy on Instagram? Was it clear we’re together? She’s black.”
Frowning at the mirror, Richards couldn’t figure out how to best bring up his internship with a Silicon Valley startup. “It would be too obvious to ask them what they’re doing this summer. Maybe I can start by complaining about how hard recruitment is for freshmen.”
Building on this revelation, Richards thought of a natural segue into talking about Coachella. “I’ll hit them with, ‘What kind of music are you listening to?’ That always works.”
Unable to decide which persona to style himself as, Richards opted for a red USC sweater. At press time some of Richards’ high school friends had canceled the plans.