By Luca Soltero
LOS ANGELES, CA — USC student and Phi Kappa Psi brother Jonothan Bradely has reportedly spread the Omicron variant to hundreds, one of which being his girlfriend. Among the various diseases that Johnathan has spread throughout the row (herpes, chlamydia, genital herpes, chlamydia again, syphilis) the Omicron variant is among the worst. While Jonathan has managed to give his girlfriend the new COVID variant, he unfortunately has yet to make her orgasm due to his inability to super spread her legs! He just won’t give her head!
When John was asked to comment on his super spreading tendencies he stated, “Lately I feel like a lot of the fine ladies and gentlemen on the row have had an obsession with the ‘pandemic kink,’ where basically you just cough in peoples mouths and genitals. I just love it when my girlfriend can’t breathe. She loves being choked, and it’s even better when the virus does it for me!”
This “pandemic kink” has been linked to a variety of outbreaks around campus. However, what many might see as innocent pleasure attributed to a viral trend may not be as pleasurable as it seems. John’s girlfriend had a lot to say on the subject.
“Honestly I feel like he’s too into it, he’s always asking me to cough into his mouth and on his balls but he never offers to cough onto me. I feel like he only prioritizes his own pleasure! Like he’s given me chlamydia three times and even the Omicron variant but has never given me an orgasm! I think it might be time to end things.”
It’s safe to say that John’s relationship, unlike his girlfriend over the course of their whirlwind romance (the mixer they met at approximately 23 days ago), is finished.