By Jonathan Krone
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a move many are calling “extremely fishy,” the Board of Trustees of the University of Southern California voted unanimously on Wedesday to authorize the expenditure of the entire endowment on “Miscellaneous Brick Stuff.”
“Bricks make up 70% of our Trojan Family by weight, which is like 10 times as much as black students! Investing in our construction material community will unlock the potential of our Trojan Family and create diverse experiences for students and staff,” wrote Provost Charles Zukowski in a cryptic email which made no mention of what exactly the money would be spent on except to say that “it would lay down the building blocks of a brighter future”.
The Sack was able to track down a shipment of 100,000 bricks to Carol Folt’s office, but that would only account for 2% of the total spending. When questioned, director of campus faculties Miriam Robinson said, “Bricks? I can’t answer that, it doesn’t exist. That’s classified information. Hold on let me transfer your call to someone who might have an answer for you.” The call was never transferred, and it was never made clear whether the project doesn’t exist or is simply classified.
This comes after USC has been criticized for their secrecy when it comes to scandal investigations and news regarding their coronavirus response. Students noticed a class on the registration portal called SECRETBRICK which required D clearance from “The Office of Bureaucracy, Research, and Increasing Campus Knowledge,” which could not be reached for comment. The address of the office just led to a 40 foot pile of bricks.
“This project is a gamechanger for everyone at USC,” said board chairman Rick Caruso. “Revitalizing our bricks will mean great things for our students, staff, faculty, and of course,” added Caruso with a wink, “our board of trustees.”
At press time, Caruso was frantically packing bricks into a suitcase in a full hazmat suit while assuring this reporter that there were no cases of coronavirus at USC.