By Adam Sanderson
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA — SLEEEEIGH! While some have serious questions about how Santa packs himself into such a tight tunnel, local homosexuals are welcoming the older, bearded man by washing, cleaning, and vigorously wiping out their chimneys.
The holidays can be a tense time for all of us, but when it comes to Old St. Nicholas slipping down our soot shoots, “Relax” is what twinks are saying is the key to a happy, hot-blooded Christmas. When asked what Santa likes, “Put Milk on Cookies,” is what a local 23 year old go-go dancer named Cookies advises.
For those who hate messes and don’t want to put a towel down, “Candy canes are an amazing alternative for Santa to suck on” says Lance Bass. And for those who want to give him a little something extra, Billy Porter says, “A large creamy yule log never hurt anybody, but if you have a few friends, why not invite them over and make a fruit cake!”
While male homosexuals are setting out desserts by the buttload, lesbians all over the country have made it clear they are closing their fireplaces to the Jolly Old Man. Shego from Kim Possible states “Why bake a dessert for a man when you can have a whole Cherry Pie to yourself?”
The Sack of Troy asked Shawn Mendes whether or not he is excited to see Santa this year, but his team has declined to comment after rumors swirled that Father Nicholas got so lost in Mendes’ chimney last year, he thought he was in a New York Subway Station. When asked about his chimney on the street, all Mendes’ had to say was “It’s giving…it’s giving cavern.”
Photo by ELG21 on Pixabay