Texas Challenges Coronavirus to Good Ol’ Fashioned Western Showdown

By Alexandra Ornes

HIGH NOON, TOWN THAT AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US – As the sun crested over a sandy hill, the state of Texas challenged the Coronavirus to a good ol’ fashioned western-style showdown. 

“We’ve had darn near enough of this blasted virus,” said Texas, ripping off her mask and forcefully spitting into the middle of an overcrowded saloon. “It’s time to put an end to it the only way we know-how. A guns out and proud showdown. That’ll show the virus not to mess with Texas.”

In response, the Coronavirus chuckled, looking over the brim of his leather hat, and stated: “My oh my, little Texas coming to challenge me? Who’da thunk. I mean, that takes guts after he saw what I did to California and Florida. Golly,  I will for sure be taking him up on it… But you’d think these states would learn from their sibling’s mistakes.” 

“Bruh, that’s so not gnarly, Texas,” said a weakened California, after it challenged the virus to a surfing competition a couple of weeks ago. “I almost died in that battle, just for Texas to be a dumbass and fuck it all up?” Florida was approached for comment but was too busy still claiming it had won its golf competition against the virus while guzzling gasoline for no apparent reason.  

Only time will tell how Texas will fare in this western showdown, but it’s easy to see how unevenly matched the fight is. While the Coronavirus has newly acquired British and South African pistols that are even more powerful than its usual weapon, Texas lacks even the most basic requirement for the standoff, given that all the tumbleweed froze over last week.