By Alexandra Ornes
LOS ANGELES, CA – USC freshman Dylan Gomez was elated to receive a USC Welcome Box, which contained four White Claws, a fire alarm set for 4 a.m., and a lifetime of student debt to make up for his missed college experience.
“Honestly, it’s the best gift I could have imagined,” said Gomez. “I was super bummed about losing out on my first year of college, but this totally makes up for it. The highlight of my night is the fire alarm. I could easily just turn it off and go back to sleep, but I really want to understand the campus lifestyle. So, I force myself to sit outside, in my yard, for two hours, before going back to bed.”
“We wanted this welcome box to be extra special,” said USC spokeswoman, Lena Jenkins. “We surveyed current USC students for things they thought were a part of the classic freshman experience. Although the top comments were the usual mono and lice outbreaks in New North or hooking up with someone in McCarthy and being jealous of how nice their dorm is, we decided those would be too hard to send. Instead, we landed on alcoholism, an irregular sleep schedule, and the crippling economic standing.”
After downing all four White Claws in one sitting, Dylan Gomez stated “Honestly, I don’t even think us freshmen need any sort of welcome next year. Actually, we don’t even need to be on campus! Just send us a sophomore year box filled with more alcohol and an all-consuming sense of imposter syndrome!”