By Cooper Roth
LOS ANGELES, CA – Yesterday, USC Sorority and Fortune 500 corporation, Kappa Kappa Gamma, issued an unspecific request for forgiveness on their official Instagram account. The baby blue text read: “We at Kappa Kappa Gamma ask for your deepest pardon from our sins. Your forgiveness is truly a blessing for which we will always be thankful. Kisses.”
Many members of the sorority and a couple of actual humans were quick to absolve them by commenting a couple of blue hearts and the occasional “This is great, sweetie! Follow us to collab 😘💫. However, the only real “collab” that occurred was between Kappa sisters expressing their support and somewhat concerned strangers who wandered onto their page looking for diversity and instead found themselves looking around for a voice of reason.
Some now-deleted comments ranged from:
“darn, this Has to be the biggEst scandaL inside of KaPpa yet–and Olivia Jade once lived here! Any prayers are welcomed, even from non-Christians!”
“I know they apologized for nothing…but they did apologize! And that makes me feel good.”
“Question my sisters?! What am I, Socrates? Nope, I’m Sophia. T̺̑ḣ͊͂ͧe͍̭͓̙ͤ ͎͈̌ͤ͛̐r͇̞͙͖͚̋̐̄ī͉̰̜̞ͧ̉̒ͅt͉͈̠̬̜̗̹͌͛̑u̱̜͓̻ͬ̋̑̎͋̊̚a̻͇̪̙̱̅ͪ̊ͨͦ̔̎l͖̭͖͉̜̦͑͐̓͗͒̎ ̭̘͕̫̲́ͣ͋̄ͥ̆͑w̖̜̬͔̏ͣͯ̐ͤ͌ͨͣi̝̪͎ͬͨ̃͋ͩ̿͒ͬͣl͎̬̣͇̜̖̾̀ͯ̾̾̿ḷ̟̺̞͇̪̹̔̈ͪ̈ͅ ̤̞̰̺̣̜ͬ̎ͬ͑ͅp̦̳̪̹̦̔ͫ̍͆͑r̦͎̠̀̿ͣ̅̉̽e̙̰ͫ̓̍͛̐ͪv͖̭̝ͭ̅̈̑a͙͒͛ͮͅi̱ͯ̎͋l̲͓.̤ Rush Kappa!”
Even Carol L. Folt joined in on the fun: “Students, leaders, donors. One of those words perfectly encapsulates why Kappa is such an important part of USC’s ecosystem! This message is heartfelt, vague, and a little worrisome–but I’m sure it is for the better! In these hard times, it’s best to prepay an apology rather than wait until the full details have unraveled.”
When asked, a DPS Officer triple checked the alleyway behind him before spitting out, “The blue women. They’re like if the Smurfs were a Super PAC. They all drink the kool-aid…That crispy…blue…” The man then proceeded to stare off into the distance for so long we just left.
The Sack will stay on the trail of this developing story until Kappa inevitably pays us off or sues us.