By Preston Long
WASHINGTON, DC — Citing the alarming surge in absentee voter registration, the Trump administration announced ‘Grumbo the Anthrax Goblin’, which will warn children about powdered anthrax contaminating their parent’s mail-in ballots.
“It’s more important than ever to teach kids what dangers wait in their mailbox,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, adding that Grumbo’s “envelope-shredding teeth” and singular desire to “spew powder like a frat on a ski trip” would stick with children long, long into adulthood. “Fortunately, our pilot studies have shown us that Grumbo really resonates with audiences. After only a week on our program, kids who used to squeal with excitement whenever they heard the toot-toot of a mail truck horn now beg their parents to stay inside. Eat your heart out, Elmo.”
The program, which experts are already calling the best since the Bush administration taught children about Warner the Uranium Werewolf’s adventures in Iraq, will educate through classroom activities, assemblies, and even computer games. In Grumbo’s Delivery Dash, players take control of a mailman who has to determine which ballots are contaminated with the goblin’s deadly, orphanage-filling poison. According to creative director Neil Fisher, “even players who carefully check each ballot will surely fail levels where they have to leave their truck unattended to get gas or go on breaks. That’ll teach them there’s nothing the Post Office can do to stop Grumbo from orphaning a Matilda production-worth of children.”
“We can’t wait for America’s youth to get up close and personal with this hell-spawned goblin,” said Fisher. “Like, really up close and personal. I can’t stress enough how much Grumbo will be in this game.”
The Trump administration also announced The Grumbo Show, a children’s TV show set in the bowels of a post office where Grumbo prepares for dark, dark deeds. Starring legendary puppeteer Frank Oz as the Post-Monster General and singer-songwriter Ted Nugent as Grumbo, each episode will feature hilarious skits, hummable songs, and highly specific death threats against parents. Instead of a fanmail segment, the show will have the Post-Monster read out addresses from the voter’s registrar as Grumbo tells children how long they have left with their parents. Each episode will have Grumbo teach short, actionable lessons, such as “vote blue and I’ll infect you,” or“put sleeping pills in your parent’s coffee on election day, or else I’ll make sure they never wake up again,” or “put your parent’s gardening tools in the street to stop mail trucks in their tracks, or else the only quality time you’ll be spending with your parents is when you clean their tombstones off!”
While the program is shaping up to be a success, sources close to President Trump alleged he was unhappy following last night’s premiere of The Grumbo Show when sons Eric and Don Jr. crept into his room and asked if they could sleep in his bed until the election was over.