Area Man Fiscally Conservative But Socially Awkward

by Veronica Marks

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a time of deep political division, area man Chase Stuart defies the system by being fiscally conservative, but socially awkward. His discomfort with the two-party system is matched only by his discomfort with human interaction.

“In terms of the economy, I believe in the free market,” said Chase, after trying to greet another living person with a mixture of a handshake and a fist bump. “But socially, I believe in standing three inches away from whoever I’m talking to at all times.”

While Chase abhors the political party system, he most closely identifies with the libertarian party. Chase and the libertarian party both support small government, hate political parties, and are unable to interact successfully with other human beings.

“Why do we tax those who succeed? Why do we restrict our ability to trade with other countries? How much eye contact is the appropriate amount of eye contact? These are the questions on my mind,” said Chase, swaying back and forth like a pendulum.

“It’s nice because he’s like, not a racist asshole, but he’s also not like, a politically correct social justice warrior,” said friend, Brooke Chapman. “He has his own set of ideas, which include thinking that it’s appropriate to enthusiastically ask loose acquaintances about their sex lives.”

Jackie Burg, a classmate, felt differently. “He clearly doesn’t understand the inherent structural racism and classism of fiscal conservatism. And he really doesn’t understand why you can’t just go up to strangers and caress their shoulders,” said Burg.

“I don’t believe in handouts,” sneered Chase, tapping his toes like a member of the Follies. “Some parents can’t afford to feed their kids. My parents were too busy handling offshore accounts to teach me social cues. You just have to deal with it.”

Shortly after, Chase opened his mouth to say something, decided against it, stared at the wall in silence for several minutes, and exited the room clinging to the walls like a praying mantis.