By Jonathan Krone
UNIVERSITY PARK, CA — While messing around with different font colors, new USC President Carol Folt accidentally sent a blank “Scandal Apology TEMPLATE” e-mail to every student and faculty member at the University.
While she was reportedly trying to “send a funny little video to my grandkids,” she instead sent out a form email with fillable details about the latest hypothetical scandal. The subject line read “Message to the Community About [SCANDAL]” and the message began with a heartfelt apology to the [STUDENTS/FACULTY/THE USC COMMUNITY/TROJANS] and continued with a vague denial of responsibility by administrators.
Regarding the incident, President Folt stated, “We’re extremely sorry for this [ERROR]. Obviously [TYPE OF EVENTS] like [EVENT] decrease trust in the university and reduce the value of your degrees, but we will continue to raise tuition in order to ensure that no more accidental emails are sent out. Oh also I guess we could stop the real scandals too maybe. Wait, don’t write that down.”
Included at the bottom of the email were several different ending options: one gave the number for the USC Counseling Center, which was found to be disconnected; another offered information about [SERVICE] commemorating [VICTIM]’s life; the third option detailed “[FACULTY MEMBER]’s resignation from [ADMINISTRATIVE POSITION] to continue their position as [COMFORTABLE TENURED POSITION].”
Lastly, the e-mail asserted that “USC was the VICTIM of [WHATEVER HAPPENED]” and assured them that the University would address [PROBLEM] and hopefully this will be the last email about [EVENT].