by Cameron Wen
After a week-long search for local 10-year-old Jeremy Gersh’s iPad, it has been discovered wedged between two couch cushions and covered in Cheeto dust.
In its short tenure under Jeremy’s ownership the iPad has seen more abuse than most iPads see in a lifetime. The screen is covered with cracks, the speakers have been clogged with dried Danimals, and the entire surface seems to be eternally covered in Cheeto dust.
It seems as though the iPad has been sentenced to this fate for crimes committed in a past life. It could have been owned by a yuppie who would use it for reading Malcolm Gladwell books and playing Sudoku on short business flights, but instead this iPad has been condemned to spend its existence being handled by small grimy hands that continually cycle between Fortnite “Let’s Play” YouTube videos and Minecraft: Pocket Edition.
Any attempts at protecting the iPad have already been abandoned. Jeremy’s parents originally purchased the iPad with a Nerf™ iPad Cover, but through Jeremy’s combination of gnawing and chewing, the cover only lasted a week. In retrospect, the orange Nerf™ cover would have done little to protect from Jeremy’s path of destruction. Its main benefit was to provide camouflage for the Cheeto dust.
At the time of reporting we are still unsure whether the spilled Capri Sun seeping its way into the iPad’s microprocessor or Jeremy’s favorite game of “iPad frisbee” will be the first to do the iPad in. Until then its life continues to hang in the balance.