by Jose Cardenas
LOS ANGELES, CA – After his college graduation, Martha Boxen finally reunited with her grandson Nathaniel and greeted him with one special phrase: “You need a haircut, young man.”
“Nathaniel had a rat’s nest that reached down to his gosh-darn shoulders,” Boxen said. “Don’t get me started on whatever he has on his face. Now, that might be rude, but I’m old so I can say whatever I want.”
“I’m now twenty-years-old, pursuing a career at VICE that requires more self-expression and freedom from oppressive societal expectations,” Nathaniel explained. “Growing my hair out is one of the consequences of my new lifestyle.
“I don’t care if he says he’s a politician,” Boxen said. “I have not lived through decades of civil unrest and political turmoil for my grandson to look like some degenerate hippie rocker.”
Arming herself with scissors inherited from her own grandmother, Boxen waited until nightfall for Nathaniel to return to the guest room for sleep. When he returned, Boxen leaped from her hiding spot and tackled him to the ground, as Nathaniel’s efforts to fight back proved futile against his grandmother’s surprisingly stocky build.
“Time to chop the mop!” she yelled like a mad woman, clipping away black strands from his scalp.
After thirty minutes of struggling, Boxen had done the deed, and Nathaniel was left with a bald head with heavy sideburns with a little bit of the back taken off.
“I am proud Nathaniel looks like a proper gentlemen again,” she said with a smile.
Anonymous sources say Nathaniel reportedly hates his haircut, but he refuses to be honest out of fear his grandmother will set him up with one of her friend’s granddaughters next.