Teacher’s Pet Pees on Rug

by Drew Thomas-Nathan

TAPER HALL — Many college students feel pressure to engage with faculty thanks to the rat race for strong professional references and letters of recommendation. Most students follow an unspoken code of honor, but most students are not desperate freshman DJ Baxter, who peed on the rug in Dr. Saracino’s Spanish class last Thursday.

“Oh, he’s good,” conceded awed peer Sophie Nielson, who says Baxter went down on all fours to circle and sniff a single spot on the floor for minutes before the act. “Did you see that little faux-innocent look on his face before he lifted his leg? He knew what he was doing.”

Sources confirm that Baxter has been fully settling into the role of teacher’s pet for months. The process started innocently enough with occasional compliments for the professor’s hairstyle and extra hard guffaws at her jokes, but something changed when fellow student Jimmy Efron commented that his strategy had “all bark and no bite.”

“The changes started subtle,” commented classmate Clara Carlson, “but it wasn’t long before he began woofing at classroom intruders, growing out a luscious mane that’s fun to pet, and teething on everyone’s backpack straps. He’s also been soliciting higher numbers of belly rubs.”

Turns out Dr. Saracino’s a total dog person. One anonymous source raged, “The professor lets him continue writing these piss-poor papers without any conferences or peer review and like, no. You gotta rub his nose in the piss paper to teach him not to do it again!”

Baxter’s grade has shot up over fifteen percent since his antics started, despite the classroom’s volume of floor urine also rising by nearly eight percent.

Dr. Saracino assured The Sack that she is not mad stating, “This happens all the time. What else do you expect when you put the little guys in a scary new environment like that?” She cited the rug incident as well as the sixth consecutive instance of Baxter showing up late with no penalties as “mere growing pains.”

Baxter was last seen getting full credit for eating his homework.