Number of Forks in Take-Out Bag Indicate Woman’s Meal Intended For More Than One Person

by Hannah Ceselski

TOPEKA, KS — Area bachelorette Bethany Burton spent her Friday night like any other, tearing into a paper bag from Dragon King Chinese Restaurant and unloading Styrofoam boxes of Asian-fusion onto her counter. However, at the bottom lay a surprise – three plastic forks.

“There were three forks, but only one me,” Burton said. “I didn’t know what it meant.”

As Burton pondered the presence of not one, but two extra forks in her bag, she took a long look at her surroundings. While unboxing her crab rangoons, sweet and sour pork, California roll, and chicken lo mein, Burton realized that this was no mistake.

The three forks were intended for three different people.

“Seems a little presumptuous,” Burton posited. “Sure, it’s a hefty meal for one lady…” Burton trailed off.

Burton’s home buffet has been the norm since her roommate Keely Santos moved out in November, leaving Burton alone in her apartment. Burton claims it’s the sudden absence of a roommate and not the creeping emptiness inside of her that has led to such excessive ordering habits.

“You get used to ordering a lot of food, okay?” Burton defended, shoveling a spiral of noodles into her mouth. When Burton found herself surrounded by empty containers, she said, “What am I gonna do? Not eat it? There are people starving.”

At press time, Burton was found buying six bottles of wine and fielding questions from the cashier such as, “Are you having a party tonight?”