Freshmen Anxiously Await Their First Local Shooting

by Elias Nash

USC–Halfway through the semester, USC’s new freshman class has had plenty of time to assimilate into their new environment, and experience all that the school has to offer.

They’ve been to football games, gotten rejected from parties on the Row, and lived through their first tapeworms from EVK, but many members of the class of 2018 feel like they are missing out on one of the key elements of being a Trojan.

“So far, nobody has been shot in the nearby area,” complained freshman Jamie Belachek, who isn’t the only member of the incoming class who has expressed disappointment with the fall in local violence.

Belachek’s classmate Lauren Sobchak echoed the sentiment.  “I moved here from a tiny town in Iowa, and I couldn’t wait see the blood.  I want to see ambulances used for something other than transports, I want to see caution tape, chalk outlines of bodies.  A lot of parents think we can’t handle this stuff, but I know I can.  I watch a lot of Law and Order.

Dr. Jeremy Maxwell, who teaches CRIM-291 Stabbing, Bullets, and Other Open Wounds at the Keck School of Medicine has also noticed an unusual lack of firearm use in the local area.

“Usually by this time of year we’ve had two or three corpses that I can use for class demonstrations, but something has definitely changed.  I’m not too worried though.  Sooner or later some absentminded fool will go out there and flash the wrong gang sign or wear a San Francisco Giants shirt and they’ll bite the dust like the rest of them.”

While seasoned veterans like Maxwell rest assured that crime will grace the streets near USC once again, the freshman class is growing more and more impatient.

“You know, when you move to Los Angeles, there’s a certain expectation that you’re going to be seeing some bullets fly.  I came here because this place is the top, and I just feel like I should have gotten something out of that commitment by now,” said Belachek.

“I mean, first they take the Denny’s, now they take the crime?  What does the administration have against our class?”