by Jack Hackett
CLEVELAND, OH — After failing Foghat’s “Slow Ride” on easy for the fifth time in a row, local man Chris Tennenbaum threw his controller on the ground out of frustration. Before storming out in a fit of rage, he pouted to his friends that he can play that stupid song on a real guitar.
“There’s something wrong with the sync,” defended Tennenbaum. “High definition TVs lag a bit, which was obviously the root of the problem. Plus, the note pattern just didn’t make any logical sense. It’s much easier on the real thing.”
To make his point, Tennenbaum blew the dust off his 2010 cherry red Squire. After running his fingers down the rusted, out-of-tune strings, he began playing a riff that vaguely resembled “Slow Ride.”
“See? It’s much more natural to play on a real guitar,” explained Tennenbaum. “Why spend the time and effort to learn 5 colored notes when I can master 12 chromatic notes, plus their 3 octaves on a working instrument? The proof is in the pudding.”
As Tennenbaum progressed further into the song, he eventually reached the solo and immediately gave up: “Jesus, not even Hendrix could’ve played that.”