Man Uses Pins on Denim Jacket as Replacement for Personality

by Nimisha Narayanan

LOS ANGELES, CA — After a month of hesitation and loitering outside of thrift shops, local man Benneth Schmipp finally decided to abandon his personality in favor of his budding pin collection. As he pinned a Hamsa Hand to his denim jacket, any hint of individual sentience drained from his being.

Schmipp planned out his pins to develop a clear, marketable persona. His most prominent pin reads, “ENTER THE VOID.” Next to it, he wears a watermelon slice.

“It’s just so hard on a college campus to find people who have the same ideas as you.” Schmipp says, as he salutes two fellow pin-wearers walking by. “Now people look at me and know exactly who I want people to think I am. I don’t need to say anything.”

Schmipp used to tell people about his interests or even express genuine feeling, but now the five multicolored lightning bolts pinned right on his chest do that for him.

“It’s not just the actual pins themselves, quirky angles add a lot too,” Schmipp said, as he hesitated before settling on pinning grumpy cat upside down.

When asked about his connection to any of his pins, Schmipp laughed and after two minutes, blacked out.