Hunk of Raw Masculine Sex Appeal Blasts Mumble Rap on Portable Speaker as He Longboards Through Campus

by Nolan Jones

USC — Those walking down Trousdale Parkway on Wednesday were treated to a powerfully erotic sight: a young man best described as a hunk of raw masculine sexual energy playing Migos and Lil Uzi Vert’s “Bad and Boujee” on his portable speaker as he slowly rode his longboard around campus.

“I thought it would be a normal walk back from Panda Express. I didn’t believe in love at first sight,” said junior communications major Reagan Johnson. “But that’s changed. I want to have this man’s children.”

Senior Harrison Tyler concurred: “That beat he played wasn’t the only thing that was throbbing.”

One music student was so enthralled by the scene that she plans to create an instrumental album about the incident titled “The Sound of A Million Goosebumps.”

Not everyone was as impressed, however.

“Who the Hell does this guy think he is? Not everybody wants to listen to a bad meme song when they’re headed to class, especially when it’s obvious you’re just trying to relive a frat party that happened a month ago,” said sophomore Taylor Kennedy.  “Plus, what’s the point of riding a longboard if you’re not going any faster than you would on foot?”

At press time, The Sack was unable to confirm the identity of the blonde woman wearing leggings and Uggs privileged enough to walk next to this modern Adonis. She was thoroughly impressed with his taste in music as well as his ability to ride a longboard alongside her at a moderate walking pace most of the time.