By Jack Martino
Here at The Sack of Troy, we value the safety of our readers during the COVID 19 pandemic, so here are ten COVID-friendly things to kiss instead of a love interest as the ball drops this New Year’s Eve.
1. Inside of Your Mask
As the distanced New Years party begins, the mask is the closest thing to your lips, and has been since March. You’ve built up a comfortable relationship with it. It is essentially your other half. Time to take it to the next level.
2. Finger Food
The other thing that has been constantly near your mouth since the pandemic began, start shoving your mouth with the hors d’oeuvres Carter set out. Pile mini pigs in blankets, pizza rolls, and Oreo cookies as soon as Ryan Seacrest begins the countdown. Why start your New Year’s Resolution of dieting so soon?
3. Tequila Shots
Oh god, Carter’s brought out the tequila. And you can’t handle the shots that well. But Carter got these cute shot glasses that say “fuck 2020!” Oh well, time for lips against the bottle.
4. Sexy Green M&M Lady (on TV)
Great, now you’re drunk. Now you’re going to get sloppy. Just sit on the couch and stare at the mindless abyss that is Dick Clark’s Rockin New Year with Ryan Seacrest! This Green M&M lady in this commercial looks so damn hot. Maybe if you just got closer to the TV…
5. Bathroom Mirror
You’ve been shamed into spending the turn of the year in the bathroom alone. Carter’s still cleaning your saliva off her TV. Way to go. Who’s this fine handsome gentleman in the mirror? You’re no narcissist but I mean you are looking cute in your ugly Christmas sweater…
6. Carters Cutout of Dua Lipa
Welp, Carter found you making out with her bathroom mirror and now you’re relegated to her bedroom floor. You’re not allowed to touch anything. Wait! Is that Dua Lipa, famed international pop star? Is she looking at you? She’s so still. Maybe you could kiss her when the ball drops…
7. Darryl’s Fist
After Carter finds you dry humping her cardboard cutout of Dua, she has thought the only way to keep you in check is to keep an eye on you. And now that you get to spend all this time with Carter, why not go for it? You’re friends but you can be more than friends, right? Who cares what her boyfriend Darryl thinks anyways?
8. Carters Hardwood Floor
Apparently, Darryl thought your attempt to kiss Carter was out of line. Not only did you miss and hit her shoulder, but you have also meet Carter’s nice hardwood floor. This hardwood floor kind of feels like a face. Maybe a little bit of tongue and a drunk regret hookup?
9. Carter’s Couch Pillow
You passed out on the floor. Great. As penance for knocking you out, Carter forced Darryl to carry you to the guest bedroom. You’ve woken up still drunk as shit. What time is it? It’s gotta be past midnight right? This pillow looks so damn fine. It’ll be like middle school all over again, practicing on your pillow. Good times.
10. Your Mom (on the cheek)
It’s January 1. Around noon. Carter and Darryl let you crash in the guest bedroom and now it’s time to go home. A rough night last night indeed. But you did make out with Dua Lipa. Your mom welcomes you home with some eggs. You give her a kiss on the cheek. It’s a little late but still counts. Maybe next year you should stay home and away from the tequila.