96 Year Old Rushes Frat, Finds Comfort in Old World Values

by Katarina Brandt and Thomas Marshall

USC — On Tuesday, 96-year-old junior Walter Richardson was initiated into the Omega Lambda Delta fraternity.

“Pledging wasn’t a challenge,” said Richardson. “I remember back in WWII when we were fighting in Germany. Now that was a challenge. I once spent two whole nights in a foxhole out in the forests of the Bulge, waiting for the krauts to run out of mortars. My only solace was…”

He continued for several more minutes, basically just summarizing the plot of Saving Private Ryan with bits of Inglorious Bastards thrown in.

Richardson was interrupted when a fellow bro ‘iced’ him, forcing Richardson to shotgun a bottle of Smirnoff Ice before taking an actual shotgun and firing a round in the air while chanting, “USA! USA!”

Richardson continued: “So here in the Omega house, I feel right at home. We start drinking beer in the front room at noon most days, which is great because I’m usually in bed by 6.”

“I love the house, and I love teaching the bros new things like some of my favorite words for women, such as bimbo, cuddle cutie, filly, floozy, looker, dame, and hussy,” Richardson said.

He also reminds them that “loose lips sink ships,” which many of the bros mistake for a double entendre.

Fraternity brother Chet Manchester stated, “Brother Richardson and I seem to have common interests for sure. We love Brooks Brothers, and wearing polo shirts with khaki shorts. We share a lot of the same views on things like segregation, and how to properly treat a broad when she’s out of line. He also starts USA chants a lot, and the brothers love that. We all like his style.”

Richardson is now a happy member of ΩΛΔ, and as social chair, he planned a pre-invite dinner at The Hometown Buffet .

At press time, Richardson’s brothers found him asleep on a couch in the party room, mistakenly thinking he had passed out from drinking.