by Axel Hellman and Mark Lee
NEW NORTH–Matt Kogger, a freshman drinking virtuoso, emptied the last drop of Jack Daniels from its glass bottle, readying the vessel for placement along the ceremonial windowsill of his dorm room.
The freshman, resting on the laurels of his heroic act of alcohol drinking, delivered a stirring address to his floormates.
“Behold, I am Matt, finisher of beverages, purchaser of the Jack Daniels, who fooled the vile gorgon Angelica, so-called sales associate at CVS. For I am Matt, “twenty-one” years old according to the State of Hawaii, the one who so generously pours out libations for my supplicants who live in the same dormitory.”
“Tremble before my intestinal fortitude, for I am the mighty consumer of distilled spirits. In one thousand years, none shall surpass my virtue in drinking.”
“Lo, passers-by who dare cross McCarthy Quad: gaze up at my window and despair. Pay witness to my empty bottles, a symbol of the virility of my liver and my penis.”
“I shall display these empty relics of my past victories, so that others may worship at the trophies of my conquest.”
A small group of devoted floormates gathered around Matt, and prostrated themselves to venerate the glory of his deeds. One of his admirers, Laura Feng, proclaimed, “Oh, Matt, for I was hungry, and you gave me some of your Zesty Lime Tostitos to eat. I was thirsty, and you passed me some unidentifiable liquor to drink. I was a stranger and you invited me in. The next morning I was sick, and you looked after me.”
At press time, Matt stated he was ready to receive the Prestige that came with this honor, both literally and metaphorically.
Gazing upon the ritual glass urn on the windowsill, Kogger’s appreciative roommate and interior decorating enthusiast Sam Harach commented, “It really ties the room together.”