Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Raid Campus, DPS: “Suspicious Activity. Stay Away from Area”

by Jack Hackett

USC — Early Wednesday morning, the skies opened up, releasing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse unto the USC campus. The Department of Public Safety was quick to address the student body by texting: “Suspicious activity. Stay away from area.”

The vagueness of the text message left many students in the dark about the destruction of the world.

“I just wish DPS would quit beating around the bush,” sighed sophomore Brian Murphy engulfed in hellfire. “It would’ve been nice to have a little heads up that today was judgement day.”

While many students decided to listen to DPS and stay away, curious students were intrigued by the lack of clarity and decided to snoop around campus.

“I wanted to check out the so-called ‘suspicious activity.’ It sounded cool. But if I knew the harbingers of the end of days were rampaging through campus I would’ve just stayed in bed,” confessed senior Samantha Cross right before a chasm opened up beneath her sending her straight to Hell.

DPS Deputy of Communication Katherine Coats discussed the method behind the department’s text blast system.

“We want to be as transparent with our students as possible without causing widespread panic,” stated Coats while hiding under a picnic bench from a plague of locusts. “But looking at it now, it probably would’ve been a good idea to alert students of their impending doom.”

At presstime, students were still unaware of the chaos afoot, but probably would not have done anything different if they did.

Jack Hackett

He is your run of the mill bad boy. He hangs out by the dumpsters during recess sucking down cigarettes. He is complex by nature, but is simply looking for love.

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