Other Things Volkswagen Is Hiding

by Soraya Simi and Annalise Pasztor

As the Volkswagen emissions scandal unfolds, further investigation has brought to light a wealth of dirty secrets that the German automobile manufacturer has kept hidden from the public for decades.

Customers who drove VW models were shocked to find what little legroom the vehicle actually provided to those lodged in the backseat. “Mhhmmphh, mhhmmphh mhhmmpp,” one dissatisfied customer recounts with his face smashed up against the passenger seat’s headrest.

This was not the only complaint regarding space. Last May, a pair of twins rode along with their friends to a party and came out conjoined.

Also uncovered in the attic of a VW warehouse was the company’s failed prototype of a “Folk’s $wag Wagon,” which, according to CFO Hans Lichtenstein, would offer buyers the opportunity to “pump those sick beats” while enjoying the economy of a compact vehicle.

Unfortunately, the safety tests came back with reports of the new model being “too dank” for the general population, and therefore never escaped the hood.

Remember that one sock you lost in the wash, completely ruining the pair? Well, Volkswagen is behind that too. The internal investigators of Das Minderjährig Vernebeaamte (DMV) found that our missing socks are what make up the comfortable cushions of the car seats.

While the investigators were unable to discover how the motor company came into possession of the socks, Volkswagen has agreed to return all the socks to their rightful owners.

But perhaps the most disturbing discovery is the long awaited answer to the disappearance of the Roanoke Colony. The only trace of the colonists was the word “CROATAN” carved into a tree, but the practically illiterate colonists were referring to their Volkswagen ROUTAN minivan, which they drove to pick up lunch.

However, on the way back, the GPS took them down a wrong road, taking them to Miami.

This web of lies uncovered has only scratched the surface of what we believe to be a long list of hidden secrets.

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