Minnesota Dentist’s Practice Now to Offer Elephant Ivory Fillings

by Annalise Pasztor

BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA– After several days back at work as the most hated dentist on this side of the Mississippi, Walter Palmer, infamous killer of Cecil the Lion, has implemented a new business plan in order to improve his reputation and “spice things up a bit,” citing boredom with the everyday dental products of mainstream America.

Palmer’s new cosmetic dental practices offer a range of luxury options for those interested in adding an extra element of danger to the standard root canal or molar filling. Customers choose from a menu of exotic animal parts, and are able to mix and match up to three endangered species at each dental session, with a starting fee of $175,000. Those willing to dish out a little extra cash may select their desired parts from an array of celebrity animals, ranging from the shell of Jonathan, the world’s oldest living tortoise, to the paws of Mr. Bagel, Instagram’s beloved piano-playing chinchilla.

Palmer’s practice has already experienced a surge in business. A local patient, Scarlett Jones, tells us, “I absolutely love my snow leopard tooth implants. I’ve never felt more confident.”

Nearby residents claim to have spotted Donald Trump entering the facility, reportedly touching up his pearly whites with a crown made from the tooth of the very same giraffe that kindly donated its fur to his head this past spring.

When asked his source of inspiration, Palmer responded that “it’s all about predicting trends, giving the people what they want. What’s that, you might ask? The knowledge that their middle schooler’s braces are worth more than three dead elephants stuffed with cocaine and smuggled over the Crimean peninsula. I think that’s the foundation of modern day America.”

For a small fee, patients can also get anesthesia in the form of a morphine and panda blood cocktail.

“Don’t forget to review me on Yelp,” Palmer reminds sources.