EVK Receives Gleaming Review- Described as “Technically Edible”
by Joseph Grazier
For years, USC’s EVK dining hall has been looked down upon by USC students, who have used such terms as “stale,” “tasteless,” and “vaguely reminiscent of Flubber.” Recently, however, efforts have been made to improve the dining hall’s image (and smell).
New executive chef Chris P. Chicken describes his ideal EVK as a place “devoid of watery mashed potatoes, free of roast beef with the texture of jerky, and no longer under the tyrannical stranglehold of what is, supposedly, ‘fish.'”
Sack of Troy recently sent its first field correspondent to EVK since the “meatloaf incident” of ’93, and this time, they made it back alive.
Students eating at EVK declared the new changes to be “monumental” in effect.
“I used to have to spend a few hours in the bathroom after every meal I eat here,” stated Sophomore John Whyles. “But now, I’m only in there for 30 minutes afterwards!” Junior Tia Romano added further that “the distinctive smell rotten fish and hangover vomit [has been replaced] by the much more pleasant odor of day old pizza, and pot.”
Not everyone is pleased with the new changes, however. Hospitality worker David Erles believes “the hours are insane. We used to work 12 hour shifts and then go home, but now they just keep us chained up in the kitchen.” Erles had more to say, but was cut off by a present administrator, who chastised him for “acting like [he was] a real person.”
Said administrator went on to affirm that the University considers its hospitality staff “not entirely people, but more like slaves.”