USC Announces Major “Gigacampus” Deal

by Matt Prusak

Nevada and the University of Southern California made it official Friday morning: the school’s campus and its projected 18,500 undergraduates are moving to the Las Vegas area as of next year. USC chose Nevada as the location for the proposed giant degree factory known as the “Gigacampus” after a five-state competition of locations numerous students have flown over on their way to the West Coast.

At $8 billion, Nevada offered USC one of the largest incentive packages in the history of U.S. higher education – with no state taxes on administrative salaries or executive golf carts – in order to lure the school to a state that hosts relatively few undergraduates during weekdays.

President C.L. Max Nikias issued a statement addressing the new opportunities provided by the move. “We are thrilled build more fountains and are currently soliciting donations for a new waterpark,” he remarked during the biggest drought the Southwest has faced in 138 years.

Student reaction to the news was largely positive. “The Strip is pretty much the Rows’ backyard,” said one brother in Phi Omega Omega who had only ever gone once as an underage pledge, “so basically every night’s going to be a formal.” His sorority date later confirmed his trip, adding that they had their fake IDs taken away and spent the night in a food court.

“I think it’s good we aren’t changing our name, or anything,” claimed one slack-line walker outside Birnkrant currently on her third major, “It’s chill to stay true to our roots, you know?”

Vegas locals were similarly enthusiastic. “Finally, Las Vegas will have a real football team. Not to mention a student body known for their deep and lasting relationship with the local community,” said Jack Lukawitz, a 34 year-old assistant tiger handler.

Food critics deemed the move a boon for campus dining, asserting that EVK’s all-you-can-eat buffet of random dishes will be right at home in the new environment. As for dorm amenities, student housing confirmed that campus washer/dyers would be replaced with nickel slot machines, providing some lucky students with at least a minor return on the otherwise useless machinery.

When the news broke, the Arizona state legislature was witnessed breathing a sigh of disappointment. “We remain committed to our state’s role as a national leader in education,” Education Secretary Nosé said, referring to the state’s recent rise in education quality rankings to 44th from 46th, “And we hope our ‘twice the beach, half the water’ campaign will prove successful in attracting other West Coast schools.”

At press time, USC administrators were still debating whether USC would break its sponsorship deal with Nike in favor of local Las Vegas shoe distributor Zappos.