Viterbi Water Fountains Now Dispensing Red Bull and Cocaine

by Joseph Grazier

In response to the “disappointingly large amount” of sleep engineering majors have received at USC over the past few years (over 2 hours a night, well above the national average for engineering students), the administration has begun the process of replacing all water fountains located in the Viterbi section of campus with “Encouragement Fountains,” filled instead with double strength Red Bull and pure, uncut Bolivian cocaine, purportedly to maximize productivity and studying, as well as the collective student heart rate.

“By allocating these resources from the Greek community, we can really make sure our engineers are performing to the best of their ability” says Yannis Yortsos, Dean of Viterbi. “Past years placed far too much emphasis on things like ‘sleep’ and ‘joy,’ and those are things top­tier engineers just don’t have the time for.”

Along with the new fountains, Viterbi will also be offering “self­-esteem counseling” which will consist almost entirely of shouted insults and depressing anecdotes designed to “whittle [the students] down” and keep their minds from wandering to things that “aren’t numbers and spreadsheets.” When questioned regarding the moral consequences of such a thing, Yortsos insisted that “the trick is to think of them as numbers, not people.”

“It’s real good stuff man, real good” said Junior Henry Skips, an electrical engineering major, before plunging his head back into the fountain.

“I’ve been awake for over 50 hours now, got A’s on all of my tests” said Skips, who then began to speak too quickly to be entirely understood­ although a few discernible phrases were heard, including “I lost the sense of taste yesterday, but all the money I’ll be making eventually makes up for it,” as well as fevered muttering about a world conspiracy.

It’s no debate that the fountains have been successful­; they’re certainly popular destinations on campus, though some would argue they’ve grown too popular. A large portion of the student body has taken to bottling the “encouragement mixture” and mixing it with colossal amounts of vodka, a concoction commonly referred to on the street as “Nikias Juice.”

When approached for comment, an unnamed administrator expressed disappointment in the students. “We give these wealthy, young, predominately white students, many of whom have little to no parental guidance­, unlimited access to cocaine and energy drinks, and they mix it with alcohol and decide to party, instead of using it to further their academic studies. I don’t know who would’ve seen this coming, but it certainly wasn’t me.”

President Nikias was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy “personally testing” the mixture from the fountains for “impurities” in Las Vegas.