USC Attempts to Secure Its Own Ebola Patient

by Rob Smat 

USC, LOS ANGELES — This past month, two patients with Ebola were rushed to the Emory University Hospital in Atlanta. In response to this unexpected turn of events, the University of Southern California has announced it’s own search for an Ebola patient. 

Citing a need for more hands-on research to impress potential applicants, the USC Biomedical majors would benefit from another potentially apocalyptic case of Ebola on U.S. soil: “We think it’s fair that patient zero is being treated in Atlanta. But while Emory may be a reputable school, our University is far better equipped for any prospective undergrad or grad student looking for an education in medicine,” noted the Dean of Biomedical Sciences. 

The head of the Engemann Health Center even noted that the center was well equipped for any patient, and could handle any assortment of medical issues: “We have hand sanitizer stations throughout the building, as well as a yoga studio and appointment wait times between one and two weeks. If there’s one place that will handle Ebola, it’s USC.” 

Ebola is transmitted through blood, vomit, and other bodily fluids. Should the Health Center require more Ebola patients, they will simply release the pathogen into the Row, where new patients will quickly accumulate. 

The Dean of Biomed concluded, “Ebola is a Trojan Horse virus, and who to cure that best than the Trojan medical staff? Like cures like. It’s in the Hippocratic oath.” 

At press time, the Goodyear Blimp was hovering Emory hospital, waiting for the opportune time to swoop down and capture its prey.
Photo by European Commision DG ECHO