by Jack Koppa
Shocking USC Administration and students alike, USC alumni today collectively admitted the Trojan Family is a complete fabrication. The backpedaling comes after new evidence called into question the original, widely reported claim of the Trojan Family’s existence.
“We made up a story about career life after USC graduation,” Bartholomew Von Kleinsmid, on behalf of all USC alumni, stated. “We were wrong not to tell the truth, and to imply/repeatedly directly state that the Trojan Family in any way exists. We apologize to USC’s new students for this action on our part.”
President C.L. Max Nikias issued a statement on behalf of stunned USC administrators in order to address the storm of questions raised by the media: “We are extremely disappointed in our alumni. They’ve let us down. This type of falsification is unacceptable for a school that prides itself on honesty and integrity.”
Originally, Nikias had defended the alumni in the face of allegations that the Trojan Family may not be entirely legitimate/completely non-existent. Nikias maintains that “nothing in the background of our past alumni led us to doubt them when they told us of the Trojan Family, nor did anything after our initial vetting of their story – an investigation which, admittedly, consisted solely of listening to our alumni, taking their word for it, and then widely distributing their claims to all available media outlets.”
“In light of the disappointing news, we have decided to suspend incriminated alumni indefinitely from SCendoffs and Visions & Voices events.”
Nikias continued, saying “while we can no longer claim that, technically, the Trojan Family exists in any way whatsoever, it is true that some USC students and alumni do in fact share last names.”
“Rodriguez, for example. Chen also seems to be popular”.
At press time, there was still no word on what actually happens to USC students after graduation, although some sources claim that most alumni rely on their actual, already-wealthy immediate family to secure a comfortable route towards purchasing their own BMWs.
At press time, administrators were meeting to discuss diversity statistics.