4% of Greek Community Aware that Today is Tuesday

by Staff

THE ROW, USC – In a shocking new poll conducted by the Sack of Troy, only 1 in 25 members of frats and srorats were aware that today was in fact, Tuesday.

“What? No way man! No way,” responded Brad “Broseph Stalin” Michaels, a member of Alpha Tau Sigma Tau, who was dressed like a pirate and had consumed a copious amount of alcohol…on a Tuesday.

The members of the Greek system, reportedly rampaging across campus with carefree shouts of bacchanalia, were acting like today was a Friday, or a Saturday. Maybe even a Thursday. But not Tuesday. 

Adam “ABroham Lincoln” Summers, president of Delta Delta Delta Delta, advocated the need for parties on all days of the week: “We don’t discriminate based on race or class, just alcohol tolerance. So why should we start judging days of the week as well? Happy Thirsty Thursday, man.” 

This reporter would like to note that this interview took place on a Monday.

At press time, there have been reports of widespread revelry across the entire campus. Grown men dressed as beachgoers are plunging into various types of campus flora. Grown women are caked in glitter and perfume. I mean, caked. And all the rest of us are just sitting here in our pajamas doing homework. Because it’s a freaking Tuesday night for Christ’s sake.

Thursday night? Thirsty Thursday, gateway to the weekend, it’s just fine. Friday? Sure. Saturday? Even better. Sunday? Ok, pushing it a little there. Mondays? Everybody hates Mondays. But Tuesday? TUESDAY?!

The only explanation is they simply have not been educated. At press time, Troy Camp has started a drive to donate fun wall calendars to the frat houses. We at the Sack of Troy wish them the best in their efforts.


photo by cemre