by Kitty Guo
NEW NORTH — At precisely 12:48 a.m. freshman James Hatchet awoke to the sounds of his roommate Sam Bishop furiously masturbating. Instead of putting in his earbuds or burying his head under his pillow to drown out the heavy breathing, Hatchet laid still, intently eavesdropping on Bishop’s self-pleasuring session for much longer than he would’ve liked.
“I thought he was close. I didn’t know the guy had the stamina of a racehorse,” said Hatchet.
Eventually, Bishop’s independent stimulation reached a peak, as his breathing grew increasingly erratic before culminating in a high falsetto squeak. Bishop then laid still for a few minutes, presumably too blissed out to move, before collecting himself and tiptoeing to the bathroom.
“I can’t believe I listened to the whole thing. This’ll haunt me for a while,” said Hatchet as he reached down into his own boxers.