USC Secrets Now Most Accurate University News Source
by Julia Zucker
A recent survey by the Annenberg School of Communication revealed that USC Secrets is now considered by students to be the most reliable indicator of student life on campus.
Soaring to recent popularity, USC Secrets is a Facebook page where some of SC’s most exemplary undergraduates anonymously post their opinions and confessions.
In fact, USC Secrets has proven such an astute record of the school’s social climate that it has surpassed both Neon Tommy and the Daily Trojan as USC’s most accurate and widely read source of campus news.
Out of three hundred students surveyed, 160 said they preferred checking USC Secrets to stay updated, compared to 120 for Neon Tommy and twenty for the Daily Trojan.
“I’m white, probly a 7 bumped to an 8 with da mula, and I smoke $25ish of weed and drink around 7 bevys on the daily,” says one secret, managing to capture the collective identity of the entire student body in one articulate sentence.
According to the study’s explanation, USC’s student body has latched on to the page because of its uncannily accurate portrayal of the university experience.
“Those other publications are okay, I guess, but I want real, relevant news,” said sophomore meme studies major Brent Quailman. “I need to know which bathroom stalls in Leavey are best to smoke a joint in and how many people have walked in on their roommates masturbating.”
Prospective USC students rave about how well USC Secrets helps gauge the school’s social atmosphere. Because the posts so astutely represent the average USC student, high schoolers now have an essential tool for making tough college decisions.
“I was unsure about USC,” said high school senior Patrick Winkler, “Until, I read the post that said, ‘The only reason I go out to clubs and parties is to grope girls’ asses.’ Immediately, I was sure that this is the school for me.”
More and more 21st century publications are turning traditional news sources on their heads. USC’s journalists will need to dramatically step up their game to compete with such neo-news, hyper-realistic frontrunners.
Of course, everyone knows that nothing says quality like anonymity.