by Jack Koppa
In another stunning victory for President C.L. Max Nikias and his scrappy underdog university, Amazon Inc. has pledged $39 million towards the creation of a state-of-the-art lecture hall hall.
Nikias and Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos appeared together to announce the momentous gift, calling the partnership “a giant step forward for lecture hall advancement,” something for which the two parties share a unique passion.
“USC’s core mission, of providing the best higher education at the lowest possible price, calls for us to, in some very rare cases, use lecture halls of 50, 60, or 500 seats,” Nikias explained. “Thanks to Mr. Bezos’ visionary leadership, USC will have a dedicated building of some of the world’s most innovative lecture halls, for years to come.”
Bezos was similarly enthusiastic: “After talking with Max and (Provost E)Liz(abeth Garrett), Amazon quickly realized that USC, with its remarkable student body, would be the perfect place to promote our ideal collegiate world. There, every student will have the opportunity to sit in a 450 person lecture, with nothing but their professor’s words – plus a room full of well-dressed peers, a parent’s credit card, and their laptop – to occupy their thoughts.”
As is the case with every major donation at USC, the requirements made by the donor were immediately made public, primarily focusing on the technical aspects for all 25 of the proposed lecture halls:
Ultra-fast, 10 gigabit wireless internet connection
Individual power outlets at every seat
Steep, stadium seating, allowing each student to focus on the professor and not the important, private notes of the student in front of them
Those most likely to benefit from the new building, e.g. Pre-Med students, the scholars of Marshall, and every single freshman, were difficult to reach for comment, as all were completely absorbed by their respective professors’ riveting lectures.
Sitting in her “Introduction to Introductory Movies” film lecture, Ariel Primeaux, a junior majoring in films n’ fun, had this to add: “Mhmmm? Yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Now, the red or the black? Oh, but that pink is also sooo cute! I’ll just order all 3 for now.”
Bezos summed up the air of excitement at the close of the press conference, assuring the public that “Amazon is thrilled by this development, and can’t wait to contribute to the valuable, productive education that university students engage in every time they walk into a lecture hall.”
At press time, an Amazon.com ad publicizing the gift received 893 separate hits from IR 210 and CHEM 105A students alone.