by Axel Hellman
After six long years of life, LA Live was recently declared dead by the Los Angeles County Coroner’s office. While the cause of death has not yet been determined, suicide has been ruled out. An autopsy will be performed within the next week.
LA Live passed away after a long battle with being a tacky, soulless development and lacking any sort of architectural character. Neighbors report that LA Live had shown signs of erratic behavior, displaying flashing signs everywhere in an attempt to look like Times Square, which psychologist Martin Brantz says is a sign of an identity crisis.
LA Live was also known to swirl searchlights in the air in a way that Brantz said clearly indicated that it was mentally disturbed.
The Staples Center, LA Live’s next door neighbor, described LA Live as “caring, gentle, and liked by everyone, although it did have its problems. What a tragedy for the neighborhood.”
One USC student, Haley Ostlund, who is naïve enough to think that being an English major is a good idea, was a friend of LA Live’s and would often go over for a movie or dinner. She said, “LA Live was the best. I’m going to miss that bright young sprout’s optimism and cheer.”
Ostlund had plans to sacrifice a white she-goat to Hades in order to protect the soul of the deceased LA Live in the afterlife.
Civic leaders gathered at the funeral service to mourn the loss of LA Live, but took an optimistic tone, celebrating LA Live’s accomplishments, and expressing hope that someday Los Angeles will be a city with a real downtown.