by Cameron Wen
Formerly a pale bunch of malnourished nerds, the Sack of Troy writing staff has returned from summer break looking like the finest treats on this side of Trousdale. To put it in a briefly: They got really hot.
The club’s transformation happened as if by magic. Last semester their main group initiative was to “use more deodorant,” but now each of the staff members has returned from summer vacation dripping with raw sex appeal.
Students and faculty around campus are in disbelief at the sudden attractiveness of the Sack of Troy writing staff. “I’m not sure this is even the same group of kids,” said club faculty advisor Brenda Cooney. “I became their advisor mostly because I felt bad for them. But now? Some of these kids are just… magnificent.”
The unmatched beauty of the Sack of Troy staff members has almost become a nuisance for some like Professor Finley Newsome. “Don’t get me wrong, I love them,” said Newsome. “But they’re just distracting. Students don’t even pay attention to me. They just stare at them.”
Charlie Leung, former boyfriend of staff writer Lacy Mosher, has been kicking himself since seeing Mosher’s summer transformation. In May, Mosher was hitting a “Plain-Jane” at best on the Babe-O-Meter, but since her trip to Cancun she’s been scoring a “Major Babe-itude.” When approached for a comment, Leung simply replied, “I f-cked up.”
Rising like a phoenix from the ashes or a misshapen contestant on Khloe Kardashian’s “Revenge Bod,” the Sack of Troy is more attractive than ever before. The club certainly seems poised to rule the campus for the 2018 school year.
Just remember as you enter your class this semester: The hunk in the front row of your GE? Your smoke-show lab partner? You bet your ass they write for the Sack of Troy.