by Nolan Jones
AMERICA — The nation’s leading sociologists confirmed Friday that, after a bitter election that dominated America’s casual conversations, football will once again become the primary topic of small talk.
“Rather than discussing the horrifying election results, we can now return to collectively expressing shock that the Detroit Lions are now ranked #1 in the NFC North,” declared head researcher Pei Tumuch. “However, baseball-related lead-ins such as ‘How ‘bout them Mets?’ are still inappropriate in any social situation.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell welcomed the news in a press conference Saturday.
“I think discussing whether the Cowboys made Dak Prescott great or Dak Prescott made the Cowboys great is better than discussing whether or not Trump will make America great,” said Goodell. “No matter how divided we get politically, at least we can all come together and agree that the Browns are going to blow it again this year.”
Football fans also stressed unity after the election.
“I once got into a fight because I made fun of Hillary Clinton,” said Bill DeWall, a 32-year-old machinist from Champaign, Illinois. “Now, I can call Jay Cutler a crybaby douchebag and feel safe knowing that nobody in the world will fight to defend Jay Cutler.”
At presstime, DeWall got into an argument with another rowdy fan over whether or not Aaron Rodgers remains a top-tier quarterback.