Freshman Already Expert at Dodging Pamphlets

by Matt Hanisch

USC — After just a few months in college, freshman Jacob Miller has already mastered the art of dodging fliers handed out on campus. During his USC career Miller has escaped every attempt to make him accept a pamphlet, fill out a survey, or promise to attend a random religious event.

“Some of my strategies might sound crazy,” Miller admits, “but you’ve got to trust me. I’ve got this down to a science.”

Miller explains that the best way to avoid accepting unwanted pamphlets is to steer clear of the volunteers handing out the pamphlets completely. However, for those who miss the volunteers’ “rapidly searching hawk eyes,” “quick head movements,” or “hyper-positive personality,” Miller suggests several alternative methods for dodging pamphlets.

“You can pretend to talk to someone on your phone, scratch your head while looking down, or act like you don’t speak English and instead start grunting and clicking.”

For more aggressive confrontations Miller warns that pamphlet dodgers should be prepared to say anything from “Yes, I’ve already registered to vote,” to “No, I don’t care about poor, starving orphans in Africa.”

In the end, Miller admits that none of these plans are foolproof: “Honestly, sometimes you just have to knock the flier out of their hands and sprint in the other direction.”

When asked about his plans to spread awareness about his solutions, Miller responded: “I wish there was a way to get this information out to other people. Maybe I could make some fliers…shit.”