by Kim Rogers
LOS ANGELES, CA — Ernesto Vega returned early from his debate club practice when he caught his girlfriend making out with his roommate Art Hamburg. Hamburg quickly yelled “finders keepers” to stake his claim on Vega’s girlfriend.
“She was hanging out at our apartment and he wasn’t home. I figured she’s fair game,” shrugged Hamburg. After Vega walked in on Hamburg kissing his girlfriend, Hamburg got up from the bed to deescalate the situation, but not before claiming “seat check.”
The pair fought and it quickly turned dirty. Hamburg gave his roommate a wedgie. Vega retaliated by giving Hamburg an Indian sunburn then licking his girlfriend’s cheek in a defensive move to mark his territory. Eventually the fight turned into a game of tug of war, made more difficult by the fact that Vega’s girlfriend is pretty tall.
“I get it, I do. Finders keepers, losers weepers. But I had dibs. Everyone knows dibs trumps finders keepers,” said an agitated Vega as he pulled his wet finger from Hamburg’s ear.
Eventually the matter was settled in a game of “Rock-Paper-Scissors,” but not before the two debated on whether it was out of three or one and whether or not “shoot” was included.