by Gabriella Tranchina
ENGEMANN HEALTH CENTER — At 5:15PM on Monday, Sophomore Clara Rivers was munching on some Lucky Charms when all of a sudden her throat closed up due to an allergic reaction. She was rushed to the Engemann Student Health Center only to be told, “Sorry, it’s after 5, tomorrow?”
“We’re not a real hospital or anything, we’re just a student health center,” declared Engemann leadership. “You expect us to stay open 24/7 in case something bad happens to one of the 40,000 students here? Please.”
Rivers’ friends decided to call 911 instead and despite Friday evening LA traffic, she was able to receive treatment within the hour and pulled through.
“Who eats Lucky Charms for dinner? If she ate them in the morning like a normal person we would have been able to help her,” declared an Engemann representative. “Plus the kid is 19. How the hell did she not know she was allergic to freakin’ Lucky Charms? This is all on her.”
Engemann would like to remind all USC students that they also close at 2 PM on Saturdays and Sundays, so life-threatening reactions should be scheduled accordingly. Please and thank you.