by Lillian Tsao
USC — Phi Kappa Kappa member Matthew Robertson ran over a crowd of pedestrians on Tuesday, killing fourteen. When questioned by police at the scene, Robertson claimed innocence, accusing the traffic lights of sending “confusing, mixed signals.”
“It wasn’t my fault, bro,” the blood-soaked Robertson explained from behind the wheel of his Mercedes. “I know the light was red, but it was totally being a tease and giving off a green vibe, you know? I think we’ve all been there before.”
When told to exit the vehicle, Robertson misinterpreted the instruction and began driving through the crime scene, injuring more bystanders. Police quickly took him into custody, where he remained convinced of his innocence.
“Besides blaming the traffic lights, he also said he was drunk and wasn’t responsible for his actions,” said Officer Catherine Nguyen. “And when I pointed out that drunk driving is illegal and that he slaughtered several people, he accused me of being politically correct.”
The alarming frequency of these fraternity member related accidents led the Interfraternity Council (IFC) to hold a mandatory meeting. In it, the panelists strove to drill in the tricky concept that the color red, when signaled by a traffic light, means that the driver cannot proceed.
“Some of you eager beavers think that yellow and red mean to floor it,” said panelist John Reynolds. “But I think you’re big enough boys now to learn the difference. Here’s a little tune to help you remember: ‘Yellow–no no and red–stop dead!’ Everybody, sing!”
After several attempts to teach the audience the song with moderate success, the IFC proceeded to screen an episode of Sesame Street. In it, Big Bird taught the audience valuable lessons, including how to differentiate colors and the importance of not committing felonies.