by Andy Gause
TAPER HALL – Drayton Kryzinski, a junior studying prose construction, recently faced a perplexing conundrum which he was not adequately prepared to answer: Does his newly grown beard make him look “distinguished?”
Mr. Kryinski, a self-proclaimed “master of language,” took to the task of deciding which adjective best describes his new facial hair after gazing upon his reflection in the mirror.
The beard has been cultivated since his break-up nearly three weeks ago and is, far and away, the most manicured aspect of his appearance.
Indeed, Mr. Kryinski’s facial hair stands in sharp, profound contrast to his wispy, untamed brown hair and loose-fitting, plaid button-down shirt.
Other adjectives that were considered, but ultimately scrapped were: “professorial,” “mature,” and “worldly.” However, Mr. Kryinski felt that these words did not properly express his modesty or highly erudite mind.
Mr. Kryinski has added this quandary to a long list of unanswered inquiries that include: “What’s the meaning life?” “Where does morality come from?” and “How can I make money writing?”