by Axel Hellman
EVERYBODY’S KITCHEN (EVK) – Over the past several years, the admissions process has become increasingly selective and the university has risen in rank and prestige. EVK Chefs have noticed that the once-undiscerning palates of students are changing.
“Our clientele used to be satisfied with one variety of pickle.” explained Samtavious Jamovar, the Cordon Bleu-trained master chef of the 5-star haute cafeteria, “But now students are requesting much more variety.”
In response, EVK launched its new Mediterranean-style “Kool-aid Pickles” (pictured) last month to much fanfare. Other new dishes will soon be rolled out, such as Teriyaki Apple Slices, Eggplant-O’s and something Jamovar describes as “Krazy Karrots.”
Additionally, EVK plans to branch out into fusion food. “Los Angeles is where American culture meets Mexican. So we’re going to introduce students to the best of both countries with weekly Wonder Bread Taco Nights,” says Jamovar.
Now, every Tuesday, students can choose which fresh ingredients to place on their tacos from a buffet of options, including chopped onion, cilantro, avocado, pico de gallo, and ketchup.
“To add a dash of Midwestern zest, our chefs will also mince up Walmart hot dogs, before frying them on the grill. Those dogs– hot dogs, that is– will absorb even more flavor as they baste in sizzling hot dog-water. Or as they call it in Mexico, chorizo.”
The meat and toppings will be layered onto slices of Wonder Bread, an American delicacy often described as fluffy, almost creamy, in taste. Students can then consume the tacos by folding the bread over, and appreciate the Wonder Bread Taco’s medley of Mexican and American flavors.
At press time, Jamovar was confident that his creations will satisfy the appetites of all his diners: “And for the vegetarians among us, we’ll probably have cereal or something that night.”