by Zoe Haddad
Last night at 11:37 pm PST, junior David O’Connor’s roommate Jonathan Tenner, a virgin freshman, heard a little more than his audiobook of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit–he heard the sex moaning of the girl O’Connor was shoving his sweaty penis into.
The moaning seems to have been coming from Taylor Bishop, a junior, who says to make sure “moaning” is in quotes. Bishop adds, “I didn’t come.”
Tenner, who is a redhead and a virgin, was so concerned about the noises coming from O’Connor’s room, he knocked on the door to see if the girl was okay—a genuine gesture that altered the couple’s disgusting attempt at sex.
The virgin says, “I’m a very responsible person. I thought cats were dying. I love cats. Cats are beautiful.”
This isn’t the first time Tenner, a virgin, has mistaken pleasure sounds for those of pain. Just last month, Tenner, who has never put his penis in a vagina, heard a strange noise coming from O’Connor’s room. He says he thought he heard someone choking.
O’Connor, who didn’t know Tenner was home at the time, clarified that the sounds were indeed choking as he was watching a film on the no-bullshit porn site xHamster. The film depicted 25 minutes of a young slut deepthroating Javier because she loves cock.
O’Connor says though he’s forgiven Tenner’s sincerity, he mentions that he doesn’t know how to live like this anymore. O’Connor is deeply depressed and will probably kill himself.