Biden Campaign Releases New Scratch n’ Sniff Headbands

By Drew Thomas-Nathan

PHILADELPHIA, PA — As the 2020 Presidential election heats up, the campaign for former vice president Joe Biden has released a new set of scratch and sniff headbands on the campaign website.

The headbands (dubbed “Bidenbands”) come with printed messages such as “Ridin’ with Biden” or “No Malarkey” and each one can be scratched and sniffed to experience the sweet scent of chocolate chip ice cream, a famously malarkey-less scent. There are even bisexual pride ones.

Biden campaign manager Jennifer O’Malley Dillon said the Bidenbands’ purpose is two-fold: they keep the “Joementum” of the presumptive Democratic nominee going into the Democratic National Convention and they normalize scratching and sniffing people’s heads. 

“That last part is muy importante,” O’Malley Dillon said. “Joe’s gonna scratch and sniff everyone. Donors, voters, colleagues, daughters. Everyone. We might as well work around that.”

Chief of staff Zeppa Kreagar used the new headbands to draw a line between Biden and incumbent President Donald Trump. “It’s stupid we have to do this coverup — I mean, promotion, because the current President has admitted to much worse. The only difference is our side will grumble about that kind of thing.”

It’s a touchy issue but Kreagar thinks they have it under control. “It sucks to run for the party that pretends to care about sexual impropriety.”