USC Announces Two Separate But Equal Gubernatorial Debates
By Jackson Parker and Noelle Medina
LOS ANGELES – After abruptly canceling its California gubernatorial debate, USC announced it would instead hold two simultaneous debates to satiate the DEI candidates’ demands for inclusivity. The USC Dornsife Center for the Political Past assured the restructuring would give a “separate but equal” opportunity to the gubernatorial candidates of color, and it would hopefully get them all to stop fucking whining.
“We came up with the idea of ‘separate but equal,’ by the way,” said Political Past director Homer Plessy. “This has absolutely no correlation to racial segregation, overturned Supreme Court rulings, redlining, gentrification, exclusion, or any of that woke shit they’re accusing us of.”
One debate, featuring the previous coincidentally all-white qualifiers, will be held on the main stage at Bovard Auditorium and broadcasted statewide by ABC News. The other equally important debate will take place outside Tommy Trojan with one shitty speaker and microphone, and be moderated by accredited journalist-turned-influencer Don Lemon.
USC President and open dialogue champion Beong-Soo Kim restated his dedication to giving diverse perspectives a platform for conversation. “Here at USC, we don’t just forfeit accountability at every turn. Instead, we begrudgingly tolerate all the sheep-brained nonsense those MSDNC liberals spew on their flop Instagram campaigns.”
Although the second debate will take place outdoors, Provost Guzman has assured both will have the same number of water fountains.
